Almost 40 percent of bottled water is ordinary tap water

FACT : According to government and industry estimates, almost 40 percent of bottled water is ordinary tap water, often with no additional treatment. "Additional treatment" = changing out the lawn hose before filling a new batch.

• "FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals for Bottled Water," news release, Environmental Working Group, November 19, 2008, www.ewg.org.
• "Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?" National Resources Defense Council, www.nrdc.org.

FACT : While the results of tap water contamination tests are made public, manufacturers of bottled water do not divulge their test results.

FACT : While the results of tap water contamination tests are made public, manufacturers of bottled water do not divulge their test results. Chalk it up to the protection of trade secrets. Every brand of bottled water has its own proprietary blend of pathogens, contaminants, and waste that give the product its uniquely refreshing taste.

• "FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals for Bottled Water," news release, Environmental Working Group, November 19, 2008, www.ewg.org.

FACT : Bottled water is rarely tested for purity.

Tap watter vs bottled watter

FACT : Bottled water is rarely tested for purity. An Environmental Working Group study found that ten popular brands were riddled with chemical pollutants and bacteria, some as high as tap water. Hey, you wanted low prices.

• "FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals for Bottled Water," news release, Environmental Working Group, November 19, 2008, www.ewg.org.
• "Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?" National Resources Defense Council, www.nrdc.org.

FACT: Bottled drinking water has been marketed as being cleaner and more pure than ordinary tap water...

...but, in a recent study, a third of bottled water showed significant chemical or bacterial contamination, including arsenic, nitrates, carcinogenic compounds, and coliform bacteria. Probably the bottom third; that kind of stuff tends to sink.

"Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?" National Resources Defense Council, www.nrdc.org.

The world is a frightening place.

But you already knew that; you read it in the paper, hear about it from friends, see it with your own eyes every time you turn on the TV to watch bad singers or dancers subject themselves to abuse from judges with no more talent than the contestants, or see a web video of a teenager shooting a bottle rocket from his ass for amusement, or get plowed from behind in your car by another driver who was texting "LMAO" to his friends instead of noticing that the light had turned red and you had stopped.

If random violence doesn't get you, cancer will. If cancer doesn't, global warming will. If global warming doesn't, bullet ants will. Or botflies. Or lightning. Or tsunamis. Or the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normal everyday activities like drinking water, eating an orange, breathing the air, or having sex with a goat. Yes, we are in deep doo-doo. You should be scared to death, right?

Wrong.

Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts, and the more you read, the more afraid you are likely to be. I wouldn't be doing my job if you weren't. But if forewarned is forearmed, then the more you know, the safer you'll feel, even if it's a false sense of security since you can't do a
thing about most of what you read here. But who cares, as long as you feel better?

If not-if this information scares the shit out of you that's okay, too. You're probably reading this on the crapper, anyway, and what better place to be scared shitless? Isn't that the idea, to be shitless? At least you aren't befouling a nice pair of pants. I'm also keeping you regular. You're welcome.

While I'm scaring you, though, I also hope to make you laugh. There's a joke after every fact, for chris sakes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make jokes about things like a guy getting the wrong testicle removed during surgery? Okay, bad example. But you get the idea: you should laugh when you read this book. If you don't, either you have no sense of humor or I need a new career. I'm too old to start a new career, so the blame falls squarely on you.

Be warned also that you might be offended by this book when I make fun of someone or something you love. Butts of my jokes include doctors, dentists, Latvians, Texans, kids, pets, Deadheads, mothers-in-law, Death Row inmates, Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar, Lyle Lovett, the French, Tennessee, fast-food employees, and numerous other people, places and things. I also make ample fun of myself, my wife, my (fictitious) sex life, my home state of Georgia, and other things I hold near and dear. So unbunch your panties and laugh a little. Even you, Sammy Hagar.

Far more offensive than my jokes are the ridiculous things that occur in this world on a daily basis, so read these facts and be afraid, be amused, be annoyed, be aghast, be whatever. You already bought the book and I already got paid, so I don't really care. Sorry, just being honest. (Sort of.)

And remember: front to back, and keep wiping until the TP is clean.